'I have changed'

Today I write for someone I thought was a friend, someone I felt was so special to me, someone who would be there for  me forever, someone who shattered me by simply saying ‘I have changed’. I dedicate this to the girl, I still think is my friend and will always be.

‘Friendship’, you never understood what it is. You meant a lot to me and I had always been there for you. You were a friend of mine but things now are different both for me and you. You say ‘I have changed’ and I feel so have you.

 I tried to think I never knew you, but all I thought was about you. You turned so cold and bled my heart, you mocked my feelings and made me cry, you drenched me into dark and now all I am is incomplete without you. Still you say ‘I have changed’ but it seems so have you.

I tried to be with the crowd but all I feel is lonely. I feel something missing, something lost, something gone forever.  We were so well together, everything was fine. You were a friend of mine and so was I yours. I had always been there for you and so have you been for me. But it seems things have changed and I am the one who’s blamed. I don’t know why you say ‘I have changed’ but I feel so have you.

You may say, I am different and you hate me. You may say I am not the one you wanted me to be. You may say you are ashamed and might be disgusted of me. You may say ‘I have changed’ and I’m no more the one I used to be. But remember something, ‘I will always be there for you, however hard it may be for me’.

Dreams!!!!!

Hello friends, loved ones and my beloved countrymen. Till now I have been writing my feelings to you all, but today I feel like writing about what I live on, what I believe upon, what I think is the integral part and right of every living being, what I call to be a DREAM.

I have been dreaming big since I started understanding things as a toddler. At that time the dreams meant no sense to me but within a few years they began to get meanings, each one held an unique meaning. I often shared my dreams with people then but was often mocked of and told 'dreams are meant to be broken and I should learn to live in reality', but the only thing I knew deep inside me was 'you first need a dream to try and make it your truth'. What would I be without my dreams, they make me different from others, they define me and I proudly acclaim 'I am, what I am'.

Times did come I felt what people told was correct and dreaming is simply a waste of time and you get what you are destined to, nothing less, nothing more. I started to develop the feeling 'I bleed, I cry, whenever I try to fly' and thought why to dream when none of your dreams come true. Then on a fine day as I was walking down a lonely road I suddenly read a stone tabulate which had the golden words written on it which changed my life and made my belief in dream so deep that I dream no matter how disappointed I am, no matter how misunderstood I am and no matter how much I miss her. The golden words were 'YOU NEED TO WAKE UP FIRST TO TURN YOUR DREAMS TRUE'.

Dreams, many of them did come true and some didn't, I started classifying them as good dreams and bad dreams. I never repeated a bad dream ever until the day I had a dream which I should have classified bad but I couldn't. It was when I dreamt of her, I lived the dream, I lived it so much that I forgot the golden rule to wake up and try for it and by the time I realized and woke up, everything was over, she was no more for me to be with, she was gone, gone so far that I could never reach her. The only thing left was the dream and a claim that 'I don't miss her'. This dream however strange it may be, will be my most cherished dream forever because it is this dream where I get to be with her, close to her so close that I really don't want to return to reality but then I remember that I define my dream and I need to be in reality to dream further and thus follows the kick that wakes me up and gives me the opportunity to dream big once again.

Dream big, as big as you can, because dream is the place which you design and set into play as you want it to be. But surely remember to wake up to turn it true or else you may also end up with a bad dream which you may not like to consider bad.

I don't miss you

I am fine. My life is beautiful as usual. Trust me, you need not have worried so much about me 'coz I am absolutely fine! I am not like other people, I don't cry myself to sleep,I don't surrender myself to sleeping pills, I don't put up a false facade that kills one from inside and of course,most importantly, I don't miss you.

I have so much to do at College and outside. So many events to attend-the rehearsals,parties,shows and the social works in the rare moments of "off-days" keep me busier. When I come back home I hardly manage to speak to my parents before hitting the bed...So you see, when I don't have time to miss my close ones, I hope you aren't hoping that I'll miss you! I miss my friends from the college, I miss the kid who started weeping out of joy when I praised her acting skills, I miss last night when I drove back all the way alone but of course....

When I start my car at the end of the day, as seconds of tiredness tames me, I miss a hand on my shoulder and I miss a smile.I look at the empty seats....I take a deep breathe and force my mind to forget the rest.

On a cool and rainy night, when the wiper gets busy wiping the rain drops, through the hazy glass I see a face,so known.From Rain drops shining on her hair,a face peering, a finger asking for a lift to the day when...my mind gets busy to wipe off the memory,my eyelashes hide the tear drops. Its all in my burning memory that refuse to subside to ashes. I see myself trapped in a never ending maze where I fell and got up, where I am crawling,walking or running, desperate to find the end....I come back to seek respite in the reality.

When the chilly wind blows, it touches my heart very deep and leads my existence me to a different spot of space and time. In a crowded place I feel a moment's loneliness, insecurity surrounds me and my mind screams for someone,known,so known that I can tell its her voice,its her footstep,its the sound of her laughter when thousands of other people are together.My cold and numb fingers look for the warmth that let me find solace. All the warmth drains from my life and I drown in the sands of time, looking for a drop of comfort.

I don't need to call your number for I hear your voice in my head over and over and over again, so many times that it's leading me to insanity.

When memories are so strong that it can chase me off from the real world and can torture me to venture alone in the twists and turns of the dark alleys of my brain, when I find your mocking smile in an innocent smile, your lies reflected in the honesty of many, when I find your disgusting face in the empty space, how do you expect me to miss you and cry for you??

When I come home,I feel like shouting at the glowing lights. I kill the lights and sit alone in the dark loneliness. It was always dark. You don't need to light the colourful candles that melt at the speck of second or extinguish at the softest breeze. After everything you did with me, broke my trust,used my love and mocked my pride of single hood, I seek respite from you.

Miss...well,that's just a meaningless four letter word like love.I don't miss you.